Tales From Astrology Seminars 2025

I started studying astrology with my sister, when I was eight years old. I was nearly thirty years old before I met another astrologer. This was because I’ve lived in the sticks most my life. But then I quit Frito Lay and moved to the city that had an astrology club.

My sister thought I should check it out for both our sakes. She’d never met another astrologer, either.  This was pre-internet.

We were both extremely curious how this would be. Speaking for myself, I didn’t know if I was stupid or not. In hindsight, we were rockin’ astrology at this time, but I had no idea. I don’t know what my sister thought. I was the one doing the deed. I wrote this in 2002… less of a filter back then,

I show up at the meeting. Seven o’clock, I will never forget. I was dressed real snappy. Makes me think of Paul Simon’s line. “The poor boy changes clothes and puts on after-shave to compensate for his ordinary shoes”.

See, I don’t know what I know. I have no idea if I belong in this meeting or not. I thought going to this meeting was akin to showing up at a university after being home-schooled for twenty years. Can I cut it? I’m not very fancy.

I grew up here.

We used to call going to the grocery store, “going to town”, so you might guess that I was a little intimidated. I was hoping they would let me in and stuff. Basically, I was scared.

I walked in and paid my three bucks because I was not a member. There were two women sitting at the table, taking the cash.  They both looked me over. Oh brother. I didn’t know what they’re thinking, but I hoped I look okay. I sure as hell tried hard enough.

I was a little over dressed. This was my style at the time. I was off a Frito truck after almost ten years and wearing lots of short skirts, tights and pumps because I had realized that I could. I also had the baby clock ticking, so I was constantly looking for sperm. Taj Mahal says “Many fish bite, if you got good bait…” I was doing my best!

Both women smiled wide, but it did nothing but make me more terrified. See, I think I’m going somewhere cool people go, but I’m not cool. I’m Elsa. These women are obviously cool. They are sitting at the table, aren’t they?

I walked in and people were mulling and chatting in small groups. Ack! I hate this. Heart pounding, I have no idea how to break in anywhere, so I quickly take a seat three rows from the back. I sit there as neatly as I can. No doubt, with a queer smile plastered across my face.

I was in a quiet panic. I thought about dashing out, but no. I said I was going to do this, so damnit I’m going to do it. My sister wanted a full report so I told myself to calm down. The meeting will start soon. It’s like I am in a movie theatre waiting for the lights to go down so I can relax and eat my popcorn.

Time moves slowly, but it passes and the meeting starts. There’s no one on either side of me, or even in my row for that matter, which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I’m in no condition to chat, and a curse because I wonder if I am shunned or something. You know… no one wants to sit next to me because it’s so obvious I’m not hip?

You may think this does not sound like me, but it’s real. I had a heavy duty Neptune transit at the time and was splayed out all over the place. It was just like this, all of the time. Neptune transit to my Capricorn, dissolving my defenses. I was without an edge and constantly morphing with my environment. I was at the mercy of the tides, I couldn’t see.

They opened the meeting, commenting about the new faces which prompts all forty people in the room turn to look at me. My face was hot,. I imagine I smiled, helplessly.
They passed a clipboard around. They want new people to sign in.

“They” is the woman running the meeting.  She sounds like the teacher talking in a Peanuts cartoon. Blah, Blah, Blah that reverberates. Neptoooon. I’m dissociated!

I understand what she’s saying, but it’s not really words. They ask for your name and address if you want their mailings. Something like that. They also ask for birth data “if you want to leave it.”

Clipboard gets to me and I feel this guy behind me strain to read what I write. Oh man. I’m being observed. Crap! I want to make a good impression.

I write my name slowly and carefully because I’m buying time. I’m trying to decide if I want to leave my data or not. Hmmm… What is the cool thing to do, I wonder? I have no idea. I opt not to, mostly because the guy behind me is so keen for it. Fucking Scorpio.

The clipboard is being passed to the back of the room, so I turn to hand it to the peeper back there and he grabs it in hungry style. He notes that I have left the birth data slot blank and he whispers, “You forgot your birth data.” He points to the spot I left blank, in case I am stupid. “Right here.”

“Yes. I know.” I whisper back. “Thank you.” says my Libra. My Libra is truly full of shit. Nice smile.

This is okay. It’s one on one, which is my forte, really.

“Are you sure you don’t want to leave your data? We don’t do anything with it. Well, sometimes we read each other’s charts, but only if someone wants…”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Thanks.”

I turn back, wondering if I was rude and thinking that he is, considering the gal in front is still running the meeting. Shouldn’t we be listening to her? Logic says yes, but I don’t really know. I have never been to a club before. I have not spent much time in “town” in general. I hear him say “suit yourself”, but I don’t respond.

I don’t remember much of what was discussed at this first meeting. It was so unreal to be in a room of people who embraced astrology. Between that and the anticipation of coming, and the Neptune transit, I was feeling kind pretty high.

I made it through the ninety minutes without talking. There was some discussion and several times the leader looked to me, eager to give me an opportunity to talk, but I averted my eyes, because I had no voice. How do you talk with your stomach in your throat?

I was relieved when the meeting ended. I was proud too. I’d made it through without disaster and managed not to bolt. I noted, people were congregating in small groups, but I got up quickly and headed straight for the door. Guess who meets me at my car?

Right. The guy sitting behind me. He explains he’s an officer of the club. He’s getting some papers or something from his van. He’s lying, isn’t he? *Laugh.

He implores me to come back in. He says he’ll introduce me to everyone, but I can’t do it. I just can’t gather myself. I’m having a big problem with this Neptune stuff. I feel like a puddle, so instead, I tell him that I will be back for the next meeting.

“Are you going to join us?”

“Um…”

I have never joined anything in my life. What’s that like anyway? “I don’t know. I don’t really know,” I say.

I’m glad he’s talking to me. He seems nice. It’s like he is willing to sponsor me into the group and I appreciate this. I also think he wants a date. Just a hunch. When a man chases you out to your car, it’s usually his dick leading him, right?

I wasn’t sure if I was interested in him or not, but the idea of dating an astrologer was pretty amusing. That’d be something new. “Can I go now?” I think.

He offered to read my chart,  and that was pretty cool. No one outside my family had ever read my chart. I was kind of fascinated with the prospect.

In the end, he was holding my phone number when I drove away.

That Guy…

He wasn’t a Scorpio.  He was a Taurus with a Scorpio Moon, both his Sun and Moon square Pluto in Leo. Okay, okay.  He was a Scorpio. Cancer rising as I recall, and I do recall.

I spent some time with him. He was trying to date me and I was trying to not date him. Ever do that?

In the end I won.  I gave him every chance, but he kept inviting me to his house and eating in front of me. Yeah, that’s right.

He would invite me over, 6:30 or so. You know. Dinner time. I’d show up and he’d be pulling his dinner out of the oven.  I was a vegetarian at the time. I stayed that way until I got pregnant, but anyway, he’d eat his bachelor dinner in front of me, and then he’d want to watch Star Trek.

He knew I didn’t eat meat but never bothered to have anything there for me.  I didn’t watch Star Trek either, but whatever.

After Star Trek was over, he wanted to sleep with me but I had other things on my mind like the fact my stomach was growling, so he was pretty much out of luck.

I spent some time with him, but we never got anything off the ground romantically. As far as I know, no one in the astrology club had any awareness of our interaction.